Flattery is like friendship in show, but not in fruit

I woke this morning haunted by a Choose Your Own Adventure book I read as a preteen. I can't remember the title, but it was set on an alien planet. I decided to sleep by a body of water, and I wound up getting poisoned to death by a killer plant. That was the only time I ever actually chose my own adventure without cheating. Normally I would flip to the pages with my options, skim over them, and choose the one that didn't end poorly. I guess you could say I grew up with an intense fear of losing, as did my siblings. (Game Night in our family always ended with screaming matches, overturned boards, and missing pieces.) In high school I was still cheating at Battleship when I played with friends (What? I thought you could move the ships!), and as recently as two years ago, I threw all of my Monopoly cards at my husband when I realized that he was forming an alliance against me. To this day I refuse to play chess with anyone except the computer (and I quickly exit the program if the computer is winning).
I read an article explaining that the seemingly innocuous practice of praising your child can actually cause the kind of anxiety that seems to plague me. In an experiment, children were given a puzzle and upon completion were either told, "Wow! You are really smart," or "I can see that you worked really hard on that puzzle." The children were then offered the chance to either do another puzzle of similar complexity or move up a difficulty level. The kids who were praised based on ability overwhelmingly chose to stay at the same level, whereas the kids who were praised on effort chose to try a harder puzzle. Apparently praising children based on ability (athletic, intelligence, etc) may cause children to fear failure. Kids who think that their worth/abilities are determined solely by performance are more likely to shy away from challenging or difficult activities for fear that they will lose their status as smart/athletic/talented. However, praising children based on effort is effective because it doesn't put any pressure on the child to win/succeed. It simply tells the child that working to the best of your ability is the greatest good; therefore you won because you tried. You can read the full article here.
This study really opened my eyes to the power of my words as a parent. My parents told me over and over that I was a winner, that I was smart, that I was successful. At the time, I think the parenting trend was all about self-esteem, so they were doing what good parents were supposed to do. However, it left me hesitant to try things that would prove that I was anything less than a smart, successful winner. I opted out of AP Calculus because math didn't come naturally to me. I padded my schedule with electives and blow-off classes my senior year of high school so I could keep my GPA above a 4.0. (Because GPA is certainly proof of your intelligence!) I even cheated on some homework assignments rather than ask the teacher for help, since only dumb kids need help on homework. On the other hand, I was never a gifted athlete, so my parents just encouraged me to do my best. I joined several sports teams in high school, and I was almost always near the bottom of the pack ability-wise, but I enjoyed the chance to get some exercise and socialize, and I had a genuine sense of humor about my shortcomings. I still felt nervous about meets, matches, and games, but I wasn't deathly afraid of losing; it was more of a "Well, I hope I don't totally blow this for the rest of the team" kind of fear. And that fear is much more bearable.
Now I fear that my own pride for my children and their abilities may hinder them from reaching their full potential. I struggle to understand how I can affirm their gifts but not over-praise them. I also worry about the effects of praise from relatives and friends. I actually find myself quickly screeching "NO! She demonstrated good EFFORT!" When a well-meaning person tells Lucie that she is "so smart!" It'll be a tricky road to navigate, but, God willing, we'll end up with well-adjusted kids who are confident and aware of both their abilities and their flaws. And hopefully their mama's competitive spirit won't cause her to attack a parent from the opposing Little League team. (Don't worry- I'll tell Jason to break it up if it looks like I'll lose the fight.)